i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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