Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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