It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
