don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
