barbara walters just said penis...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
