I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
