Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
