I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize