woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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