I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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