I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
