I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
