i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
