I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
