either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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