Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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