Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
