Can i not drive my cunt home
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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