i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
