He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
