i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
