Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
