new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
