I wish I could punch you in the face.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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