So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
