I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
