I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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