I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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