Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
