I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
