you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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