we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
