Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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