im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
two words: eviction party
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
