i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
