Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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