I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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