i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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