Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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