Already got asked if we're dating
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
