The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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