Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
