every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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