I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
