Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize