i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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