if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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