honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
