Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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