Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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