I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
