Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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