Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
