I'm jealous of your bromance
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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