I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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