I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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