I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize