Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
