Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
